Try
by PeacesShadow
Summary: Ed managed to catch the affection of the man of his dreams but because of legal and career complications, they have to keep their relationship a secret. This not only means that Ed gets little time with his boyfriend, but he also has to lie to his brother. Can Ed allow this to go on, or will he have to walk away? RoyxEd
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Hiromu Arakawa owns Fullmetal Achemist.

 **Warning:** Rated M for mature content.

 **Chapter One**

Edward threw his head back, pure bliss racing through his body. His mind failed to take in anything but the exploding sensations, and for a few moments, that's all there was. But his consciousness returned in time for him to feel his partner give one last hard thrust into him and to feel the hand holding his arms above his head grip his wrists tightly. It was a bit painful, the automail pressing up against his left wrist bone, but he was too boneless and euphoric to pay it much mind. Lazily, his eyes moved up to try and take in his partner's face, but it was bowed down towards his stomach, leaving only shaggy, sweat laced black hair visible from his position.

This lasted a long moment, and then his wrists were released. His partner dislodged himself and slumped down on the bed to Ed's left. He caught his breath for a bit, panting heavily enough that in any other situation, Edward might have made a rude comment about it and the man's age, but when his dark eyes finally lifted up to meet Ed's golden ones, Ed had no words. Intense feelings of love and being cherished slammed into him and he found himself almost breathless. His partner must have been feeling some of the same because he was brought into such a sensual, gentle kiss that he couldn't help the content happy sigh that escaped.

Once their lips parted, arms wounds around him, pulling him tightly against the other's chest. He snuggled his head up against the man, happy, warm, and safe. It didn't take long to drift off after that.

* * *

The morning after wasn't nearly so happy. The first thing he noticed upon waking was that he was lone. The blankets beside him were cold, meaning that he'd been left quite some time ago. Ed was such a heavy sleeper, he never noticed when the other left him. But it was always the same. They'd have a wonderful night, he'd fall asleep, and then he'd wake up to an empty bed. It had been going on for almost a year now, so it wasn't as if Ed was expecting something else. But he still wished for more.

With a sigh, he dragged himself out of bed and to the shower. His shower went by in a blur, his mind running through memories of last night and how he wished he was still there. He was toweling off by the time his mind returned to the moment, and after a few more rubs, he was pulling on clothes. Once he finished up in the bathroom, he headed out of the room and down the stairs to the foyer. His eyes fell on the kitchen and he debated on grabbing something out of the fridge. There was never a lot in there, his partner didn't cook, but it was better than what he and Al had back in the hotel. But the idea of sitting alone at the table made up his mind and after a sigh, he grabbed his red coat off the rack and walked out the door.

The trek home was quiet. The morning air was a bit chilled and he could see his breath if he huffed hard enough. His left hand felt a bit stiff, despite the glove, and his ports ached a bit. But he ignored all of this and stared straight ahead. He wanted to think of nothing more than getting back to the hotel. Alphonse was expecting him home soon, thinking he had just been stuck on routine guard duty that he was now "old enough" to be forced into. He'd probably be waiting to go out with Ed for breakfast before Ed passed out from staying up all night. In reality, Ed had gotten plenty of sleep last night, though he supposed he could pass that off as sleeping on the job. His brother knew how much he cared for the military, so Alphonse wouldn't be too surprised at him shirking his duty. It was a passable lie.

 _I wish I could tell him what was really going on._

The hotel was in sight now, and outside the door, Ed let out another heavy sigh, prepared to go in and lie about something he desperately wanting to shout to the heavens.

It wasn't right that they had to keep their relationship a secret. There was nothing wrong with it. It was pure and it was wonderful. But there were laws against it, and it would create a lot of problems for them if it got out, especially his partner. So they hid it from everyone, even Alphonse.

Ed passed the clerk at the front desk, giving a short nod in acknowledgement as he went. Three flights of stairs were next, and he climbed them quickly, only stumbling once from the jello-like sensation his muscles often got from too much sex. Then he arrived at his room.

Dread filled him as he stared at the plain white door. He hated lying to his brother. They were supposed to be a team; there wasn't supposed to be any secrets between them. But he had to lie for his relationship. It was the only way for it to continue.

Giving the door a determined glare, he reached for the knob, unsurprised to find it unlocked. Al always kept it open for him, figuring that he'd be too tired to want to bother with annoyances such as keys. Inside, the lights were on and his brother was in the corner by the bed, reading one of the many books they'd borrowed from the military library.

"Good morning, Brother," Alphonse greeted. The helmet had lifted to him at the sound of the door opening and the arms holding the books unconsciously lowered as the metal boy's attention shifted. "I hope your night wasn't too long."

"Eh, it wasn't bad," Ed threw out, acting like he was barely giving it any thought. "I slept through most of it."

Al tsked, and if his features could change, Ed knew that he'd be staring down a look of disappointment. "You'll get into trouble if someone catches you doing that."

Ed shrugged, slipping off his jacket and throwing it half-hazardly onto his bed. "No one's going to notice. It's not like anyone ever goes by there. This **is** the boondocks, after all."

"I suppose," Al relented, not sounding happy with his brother's decision. Ed truly didn't care how his younger brother viewed his work ethic. This was all imaginary, after all.

 _I really wish I could tell him._

Ed decided to follow his coat and dropped onto his bed, the springs giving way under him. The hotel bed wasn't nearly as soft or as warm as the one he had spent the night in, and he found himself once again wishing he was back in that moment.

"Did you get any breakfast on the way here?" Alphonse asked. When Ed shook his head no, the suit of armor let out a sigh. "I don't know if you have time to get any and finish your report for the Colonel before you need to turn it in."

Ed rolled his eyes, avoiding thinking too much about his meeting in the office. "He won't expect me to be on time. As long as I get it in before he heads home tonight, I'll be fine. We have plenty of time to grab food."

Alphonse gave him a long stare which Ed knew would have been a hard frown. "You really shouldn't test the Colonel like that, Brother. One of these days, he might take offense."

Ed gave a little laugh. "Maybe."

"Still," Alphonse continued, after a brief pause, " you should really work on getting that in as soon as you can. We can get food afterwards."

Ed groaned, putting more disgruntlement into it than he actually felt. His hands were already reaching towards the report on his bedside table. "I just got home, Al, and you're already pushing me to do more work." He placed the paperwork in his lap and started reading through what he already wrote, needing to remind himself of just where he'd left off.

"You can rest when you're finished."

It was quiet after that. A page fluttered every so often as Alphonse read his book and the scratching of Ed's pen gave some white noise, but the boy's ignored each other, both focused on their task. Ed was done two hours later, and they headed out to headquarters.

"You know," the younger pointed as they neared the large doors of HQ, " it wasn't very kind of the Colonel to assign you guard duty on the day your got back."

"It's just how it worked out," Ed mumbled, not wanting to get back onto that topic. It was hard enough lying to his brother, but having to keep talking about it always made him feel sick. He yanked the door open and walked inside. The secretary at the front desk gave him a kind smile which he ignored as he headed for the stairs.

Alphonse, of course, returned the woman's smile with a wave.

"Maybe, but it's been like that for the last few times we've come back. It's almost like he's intentionally scheduling you that way."

Ed sighed, staying in front of his brother as he climbed the stairs so to hide his pained expression.

"He's probably just doing it to annoy me. He knows those trains aren't comfortable to sleep on, so he makes a point of robbing me of sleep when I get back. He likes to mess with me. It's nothing new."

"Maybe," Alphonse repeated himself. "But the Colonel's not usually so petty. It's almost like there's something else going on."

Edward knew that Alphonse didn't even remotely suspect his secret, but his heart still chilled at those words.

"You're reading too much into it," he grumbled, praying that the other would just drop it.

"I suppose…"

They were on their floor now, and Ed briskly walked past his uniformed coworkers in the hall. He reached the outer office and threw open the door, startling the formerly sleeping Havoc and catching the attention of the other's in the room. They resumed their work quickly enough, used to his dramatic entrances, but not without first issuing greetings. Alphonse returned them cheerfully, but Ed just moved past them towards the inner office.

"I'll be back, Al," he called over his shoulder before forcing open the door and slipping inside.

The office was the same as always, large with two couches filling up the center of the floor. A desk was up close to the window, it's occupant ignoring Ed.

After a long moment, the man placed his pen down and met Ed's eyes. The moment those dark eyes connected with his, Ed's world felt at peace again.

"Your late," Colonel Roy Mustang noted sternly, his eyes betraying the annoyance his voice was faking.

"I had a late night," Ed supplied, knowing he didn't actually have to defend himself. The man was more than aware of why he hadn't had time to work on it yesterday. He was just playing the hardass CO. They were at work. He had to.

"That's no excuse. You need to be here when you're scheduled. You're lucky I had no meetings to attend to today so I'm free to receive you late." He stretched out a hand and Ed walked closer, heart fluttering, and placed the report in the colonel's hand. Their skin brushed for a moment and Ed had to force himself to pull back.

Mustang's eyes skimmed the report and Ed waited patiently, something that used to be quite difficult for him. But now he could busy himself with admiring the man before him. The strong build (though it was hidden beneath the shapeless uniform jacket), the black hair framing his face, those eyes that stared so lovingly into his just the night before. He wanted to get close, to press his lips against the man's, to feel the warmth radiating from the other's skin.

But he restrained himself and just felt him with his eyes.

A great sigh hit his eats and he resumed focus in time for the other to drop his report on the desk with a frustrated grunt.

"Fullmetal," he said, giving Ed a hard stare that that time, did reach his eyes, " you need to do better than this. These half-assed, sloppy reports aren't going to fly with Central Command. They expect better than this, and one day, someone other than me is actually going to read one of your reports and then they're going to call you in to discipline you for not putting enough effort into your work."

Mustang picked the report back up with a frown. "I'll turn this in, but the next one will be re-written if it doesn't meet protocol."

"Fine," Ed agreed, wanting to get past all the work related discussion and have a few moments alone with the Colonel.

The report went into the Colonol's "In" bin and then those eyes were back on Edward. The hard look was gone and the young alchemist took an unconscious step forward in response to the yearning in his heart.

"I hope you got enough sleep last night," Mustang opened with and Ed just let the sound of his voice float through his ears. It was the sound he pined for every time he left town. He'd stay forever just to listen to it, but finding the stone was more important. Al needed him.

"Yeah. Your bed's pretty comfortable."

A smile came in response to his words. "Good."

Ed found himself returning the gesture, and he took another step forward, this time intentionally, so that he was right in front of the man's desk.

"Al's concerned that you're intentionally trying to rob me of sleep," he began, knowing that that truly wasn't what he wanted to talk about, but hoping it'd help breech the topic that had been plaguing him. He'd been keeping it in for as long as he could, and while he knew this wasn't the best place for it, having a desk between them helped him keep his resolve, because as soon as the Flame Alchemist pulled him into his hold, he lost all resolve for conflict.

"Why does he believe that?" Mustang asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Because I always have "watch" whenever we return. The trains aren't the best for sleeping on, so he thinks it's not quite…right that you keep assigning me for the day I return." Edward clenched his fists anxiously, hoping this would go where he wanted.

"Hmmm…." Mustang leaned back into his chair and gave it some thought. "I suppose we can always move our reunion to another night, one less likely to worry your brother."

Ed winced. This wasn't what he wanted. Whenever he returned to town, he ached for the older man. Going away for long stints was always so hard. Being in the same city as the other and not being able to see him was more than he felt he could manage.

"Can't we just tell Al?" he asked, the words out of his mouth before he decided he was going to utter them. It was what he had intended to try and bring up. He just hadn't meant to come up with it so quickly.

Another sigh. "Ed." He said the boy's name, something usually only uttered in the safe walls of the man's house. Edward instantly perked up, his heart skipping from just the sound of his name.

"You know why we can't."

His hands clenched tighter, and he realized that he's have to look away if he planned on truly fighting this. Otherwise, he'd probably just give in again.

"He's not going to tell anyone," he tried to explain, eyes on the edge of the desk. "It won't cause a problem."

"Ed."

He resisted the urge his name brought to look up.

Another sigh. This one lighter.

There was a flutter of movement and Ed had the feeling that his CO had stood up, but he kept his eyes trailed on the desk. And because of this, he was startled when a hand pushed his chin up so that his eyes met the other's. They were tender, and he found himself momentarily unable to think.

"Things are working. Why do we need to change them?"

He gulped, scrambling to collect his thoughts. He managed to grab onto his previous train, though it was difficult.

"I can't keep lying to Al. He's my brother. He trusts me to be truthful with him."

There was a long moment where they just looked at each other, and Ed had to work hard to keep himself from turning into a pile of goo. It was frustrating how just a few looks from Mustang was enough to render him useless. Finally, the man let go of Ed's chin and stepped back.

"I'll think about it. See if I can't come up with some way to make it work."

Ed nodded slowly, working to get his wits back. His head was clearer now that he had some distance and he wasn't sure he was happy with how the conversation had went. But the Colonel had said he'd look into it, so that meant he would be able to stop lying to Al soon.

So why did he feel like nothing had changed?

"Well, I think we've been alone for a bit longer than is probably prudent. I'll see you later this week, alright?"

"Yeah," Ed replied, instantly feeling let down. He knew that their time was limited, but it felt so short. He wished that there was a way that they could spend more time together without it causing suspicion.

"Make sure you act irritated when you leave. You know people won't believe it if they think we had a pleasant conversation."

He gave another weak nod, clearly hearing his dismissal. He walked back to the door, but gave one last look before he turned the handle. The man had picked his pen back up and was looking over the document he had been getting through when Ed had entered. With a small frown, he returned his attention to what was in front of him and left the office.

He plastered a glare on his face the moment he breached the door and those in the room gave him sympathetic looks. Ed found himself actually growing angry. Those people thought he hated the Colonel, that the man bashed him around. While in reality, it was so much different than that.

 _If only I could tell them._

"Should we go and get you some lunch?"

 _If only I could tell him._

"Yeah, Al. Let's go."

He followed the metal suit outside, not bothering to acknowledge the farewells he received. With each step he walked away from the man, he felt more and more angry. It wasn't right. He shouldn't have to keep this all bottled up. He should be able to share it with those he cared about. He should be able to share it with at least his brother.

 _I need to tell him._

He couldn't keep this hidden forever. At some point, it had to come out. It was such a big part of his life. It was something extremely important.

 _I need to tell him._

 _I_ _ **have**_ _to tell him._

As he left headquarters, he fought the urge to scream.

* * *

I'm not going to lie. This is not my best work. But I'm putting this out there in hopes of getting some feedback on how I'm doing. So if you could give me some feedback, it'd be greatly appreciated. Feel free to tell me everything, even if you hated it. I'm trying to determine my weaknesses for future, more difficult projects. Also, I'm new to the romance genre and am worried that I don't know how to write it.

Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Hiromu Arakawa owns Fullmetal Alchemist.

Warning: Rated M for mild sexual content. There's nothing more explicit than what was found in the first chapter.

 **Chapter Two**

 _Heated skin lit up his nerves as soft lips moved against his own. Ed felt as if he was overflowing with all the emotions and sensations coursing through him. A hand ran down his naked back and whispers of how much he loved this man flitted through his brain. But like any other time such thoughts came, so did guilt._

 _Pulling back for air, he whispered, "I want to tell Al."_

 _This was met with a stern look and a curt, "No."_

 _He squirmed out of the other's arms and glared._

" _Why not?"_

" _Ed." A hand went for his cheek, but he jerked away, refusing to be placated._

" _I thought that once we figured out what this was, that we'd tell people," he complained irritably._

" _You know we can't tell anyone."_

" _Not even Al? Why not?"_

 _His partner let out a heavy sigh, looking quite put out at this, and Ed felt more irritation bloom at such a response to what he thought was a perfectly reasonable question. "We talked about this in the beginning. You agreed."_

" _That's because we didn't know what we were doing then. There was no point in telling anyone when we didn't know if it'd last. But it's different now. We know where this is going, or at least I_ _ **did**_ _." He frowned as insecurity overtook his irritation at the realization that maybe he and the Colonel weren't on the same page about this. Maybe this wasn't what Ed thought it was._

 _His partner reached for him again, this time for his shoulder, but Ed dodged that one too. The older man straightened up and ran a hand across his face, pushing his slightly sweaty hair from his forehead._

" _Ed, nothing's changed."_

 _Hurt flared so strongly that he couldn't help lashing out at full volume. "What do you mean "nothing's changed?!""_

 _The Colonel held up a hand and quickly said, "Not like that. Our relationship, that's changed quite a bit. But nothing about our situation has changed. You're still underage and there are still fraternization laws forbidding this. If we get caught now, best case scenario, I get stripped of my rank and we both get dishonorably discharged from the military. Worst case scenario, and the more likely one, you get dishonorably discharged and I go to jail for statutory rape."_

 _Ed allowed the hand that stroked his side this time, feeling less put out knowing that the other did view this as he did. It was soothing to his former panic, and helped calm him down as he pondered the situation._

" _We'll just tell them that we haven't had sex," he offered, searching for solutions._

 _A humorless chuckle._

" _Ed, no one's going to believe that."_

 _He tried again. "I'm in the military. They let me sign legal documents as an adult all the time."_

" _It doesn't matter. You're still protected as a minor under certain laws."_

" _That's stupid," he grumbled. "They shouldn't be able to pick and choose like that."_

 _The Colonel sighed. "That's how it is, Ed."_

 _Ed was quiet for a moment while he mulled it over. It really would be a bad situation for both of them if this got out. But what he was proposing wouldn't pose a threat to that._

" _Al won't tell anyone. He's more than trustworthy."_

" _It's not his trustworthiness I worry about." The hand on his side moved to his cheek and he leaned into it, loving the gentle caress. It was one of those gestures he always melted to, not that he'd never admit to that in public. "It's the placing responsibility in so many hands. This will be better for everyone if we keep it quiet."_

 _Ed didn't really agree with that, but Mustang's eyes were so tender and the caresses were reassuring._

 _So he gave in._

" _Alright," he murmured, allowing himself to be pulled into warm arms. "I won't tell him."_

* * *

Ed groaned loudly. Sprawled on his back across his bed, arms crossed over his forehead, half covering his eyes, he laid in his and his brother's empty hotel room, the slowly rotating ceiling fan the only other sign of life. It had been three days since he'd last seen the Colonel. Because he wasn't a soldier, he wasn't expected to be in the office on a regular basis. That meant he had no excuse to go in there and see the man. Not unless he had a lead to report.

And of course, there was nothing. He and Al had gone through everything in the East City library years ago. If he was going to have a lead, it would have to come from the outside. The Colonel often handed him his leads. If he was patient enough, he would probably receive another one within a month or two. If not, he might come across one on his own. Occasionally, he or Al caught word of something while out and about. It was much rarer, but when looking for a myth, he supposed that any kind of information was a lot.

He let out another groan of frustration. He didn't know if he could sit around here that long. In the past, he only had to worry about feeling useless while waiting around. Any time wasted was more time that Al was stuck in the armor. Now however, he couldn't help but feel suffocated. How could he not when he was in the same city as the Colonel and still unable to spent time with him?

When he was away, the pining was always bearable because there was a purpose to it. He was away to help Al. But here, in the same city as the man who dominated his thoughts, it felt so pointless. If they just told those they needed to, they could spend so much more time together. Sure, they'd still have to keep up appearances for their superiors and the public, but it'd be so much easier. He wouldn't be stuck lying to his brother, trying to come up with a reason he didn't come home some nights. Alphonse wasn't stupid. He'd figure out that something wasn't right eventually. Especially if he checked in with the rest of the team. They'd know Ed wasn't on watch duty. He wasn't a real soldier. He wouldn't be given such a job. Besides, it was grunt work. State alchemists were the equivalent to a major. The job was below his position.

He shifted a bit, arms sliding down onto the pillow behind his head. It was all so hard. Edward was a man of action. When something was bothering him, he confronted it. Passively waiting for it to magically get better or for someone else to fix it never sat well with him. But he couldn't just go in head first on this one. The situation was delicate. If he was careless, it would all fall apart, and he wasn't the only one who'd get hit with the debris.

It was this that kept him from lashing out. It was this that had kept him silent for so long.

Because it wasn't right. They shouldn't have to keep something like this a secret, especially from those who cared for them. It was something to be shared, to celebrate.

And he was losing his ability to hold it in. If things didn't change soon, something would have to give. He was just afraid of what.

 _Please Colonel,_ he silently begged to the ceiling. _Please figure something out soon._

He took a deep breath. He needed to stop stewing over this. It wasn't helping the situation. He needed to get up and do something. Lying around wasn't going to solve his relationship troubles, nor was it going to find the stone.

He had just pulled himself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed when the door to their room opened. Alphonse entered, carrying a large, brown paper bag. He bent down a bit to fit into the doorway. In the past, Ed often felt jealous at the reminder of the other's height. Now, he was too depressed to feel anything towards it. It just reminded him of how he hadn't accomplished their long sought out goal.

It was another thing that wasn't going well for him right now.

"Brother, you haven't gotten up yet?" the echoing, young voice of his kid brother asked in disbelief.

"I'm working on it now," Ed responded, automatically defensive. He needed to get his act together in front of his brother. Alphonse counted on him to be strong.

"I was gone for an hour and you were awake when I left. Have you been lying here the whole time?" The younger teen sat the bag down on their round wooden table, with space enough for two. It was pushed off to the side. The two ate out for most meals, not having the desire or time to bother preparing anything in here, not that they could make much more than sandwiches without a kitchen.

"I was thinking," Ed muttered, trying to make it sound better than it was. He couldn't let Al know he was moping over a man like a lovesick girl. He was supposed to be above that.

"About what?" his brother asked while pulling out several jelly-filled pastries from the nearby bakery. Ed felt himself salivate at the sight.

"About the stone," he lied distractedly, leaving the bed to grab a pastry. He inhaled half of it before he even dropped to his chair.

The suit of armor just sighed at his display of "manners." "Did you figure anything out about it?"

First pastry gone, Ed began licking his fingers with small smacking sounds. He paused midway to give a quick, "Nope," before resuming a half-second later. Another pastry was in his hands soon enough and he was once again stuffing his face.

"So there's still nothing," Alphonse murmured, dejected.

Ed stopped mid-reach towards a third baked good and turned to give his brother a soft look. "We'll get a lead soon, Al."

His brother just gave a heavy sigh. "I know that. I was just hoping for something good to happen today, Brother. You've been down lately, and I wanted something good to happen so you could smile again."

Ed frowned, feeling guilty. "I haven't been down," he tried to fake, knowing that this lie wouldn't be taken. But what was one more lie anyway? And to prove how not "down" he was, he grabbed another pastry. Unfortunately, the reminders of all the deceit he'd been throwing at his brother turned his stomach and he found himself just nibbling on it.

Al just put his hands to his hips, creating a soft clunk. "Brother, you know I know you better than that."

The small alchemist dropped the food with a sigh. "It's nothing to worry about, Al. I'm just a little down because we haven't gotten any leads on the stone."

Al's helmet cocked to the side and he gave his brother a long look. "Brother," he said after a long pause, "I've seen you down from the stone before, but you're never this depressed."

Ed winced. "I'm not depressed," he insisted. _Liar!_ the voice in his head screamed. "I'm just frustrated. I've been in the military for three years and we still aren't any closer than we were when we started." He found himself growling the last few words as some of his actual frustrated towards their seemingly fruitless search seeped through into his voice. Their quest was making him feel useless and angry, but it wasn't nearly as suffocating at the current moment as his love life.

If it could even be called that, considering how much time he actually spent with his partner.

"I know how you feel, Brother," Al lamented, glowing eyes focused on his large hand as he slowly clenched it. "When we first came here, I thought that for sure that I'd have my body back in a year. But now, sometimes I wonder if we'll ever figure it out." He unclenched his hand and looked back up to meet Ed's sorrow filled eyes.

"Al," he whispered.

There was only the soft whirl of the fan for a long moment as the two just looked down at the floor, both caught in the sorrow of their situation, then Al murmured, "But we'll find it one day. We just have to keep trying."

Ed raised his eyes back up to his brother and gave a soft smile. "Yeah," he murmured back.

Another stint of silence passed with them just looking at each other and then Alphonse let out another sigh.

"You don't have to tell me what's bothering you, Brother, but I'm here if you want to talk."

Ed winced, realizing that he wasn't off the hook. "Sorry, Al," he compromised, acknowledging that there was something wrong while still refusing to say what it was. It still made him feel guilty, but at least he wasn't lying about it.

 _At this rate, Al's either going to force it out of me or he's going to figure it out on his own._

Unable to deal with the guilt trip his brother was pulling from him, he muttered, "I'm taking a shower," and got up and fled to the bathroom. Alone, with the door shut against his back, he pressed a hand over his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath.

 _I don't know how much longer I can do this,_ he silently cried. _I can't keep lying to him._

His shoulder shook with tears he refused to shed as he thought, _I don't know how much longer I can keep loving_ _ **him**_ _._

* * *

A few hours later, Ed was in the Eastern Headquarters gym, working some of his frustration out on a punching bag.

To him, it really all seemed so straightforward, something they didn't need a plan or whatever it was his partner was trying to come up with. If they just told those who mattered in a secure place, there would be less people to tiptoe around. It was simple.

But Mustang didn't think like that. Ed didn't know if it was all the politics or if his brain was just hardwired to complicate things, but he always had to plan things out, had to come up with a whole slew of steps to do even the simplest things. It was irritating.

Ed understood the importance of secrecy, but this was getting ridiculous. How could Mustang trust his team with sensitive military information but not his relationship? It was just all so baffling.

His automail hand connected a little too solidly with the bag at that last thought and he winced as it swung so hard the rope broke. Luckily, there was nothing between it and the wall it slammed into.

He shook out his shoulders with a huff. Even the equipment was against him today.

"Major Elric, sir?"

He turned to see a sergeant standing timidly behind him, having probably just witness his overexertion of force.

"What?" he snapped, not in the mood to deal with people.

"I have a packet here for you from Colonel Mustang." He handed a yellow folder to Ed, and the boy scowled at how thick it was.

"What the Hell is in here?" he demanded, gripping it tight enough to leave a crease where he thumb was.

"I don't know, sir. I was just asked to deliver it to you." The man gave a meek salute, clearly not used to dealing with Ed's irritability.

Ed ignored him and instead glared at the folder in his hand. He yanked the clips at the top and forced it open. As he dumped the stack of papers out into his other hand, he heard hurried footsteps going away from him, most likely the sergeant fleeing the gym. After tossing the folder down to the ground behind him, he sifted through the papers, his scowl growing the more he skimmed.

It was the regular newsletters, the ones that arrived in his mailbox that he always "forgot" to pick up. Regulation changes, upcoming events, and reminders for health screenings were often in there. As per usual, Ed found nothing that truly pertained to him, and he couldn't understand why the Colonel would bother sending someone out to give it to him. Usually if there was something he absolutely needed to see in there, the man just ordered him to go check his mailbox.

More irritated that before because he had been needlessly interrupted, Ed tossed the papers towards the discarded folder. As they fell, the air caught a small piece of scrap paper and his eyes trailed it as it fell among the mess. He stepped over and picked it up, his eyes narrowing at the familiar script across it.

Thursday 22:00

Ed frowned at the date. It was too soon to pass off as watch. Surely, Mustang wasn't planning on risking the whole thing just to talk about this. Then again, maybe he really had figured out a way to make it "work" and wasn't worried about passing it off seeing as Al would find out shortly afterwards.

That, or he just trusted Ed to handle his brother.

His hand tightened around the scrap, and he took a deep breath. This was it. The Colonel had an answer and now he just needed to make it another three days. Three more days of hiding his relationship from his brother. He could do that. He'd already waited a year. What was three more days?

A tightness built in his chest at the thought, and he pushed himself through fixing the punching bag and picking up the papers. He wasn't getting anymore exercise done today.

As he left to go pick up his brother who'd abandoned him to go "just look" at the kittens at the pet store, he wondered why he felt more anxious than relieved.

* * *

Three days later, he was skimming through an old alchemy tome in his room, checking his pocket watch every few minutes. He tried to be discrete about it, peering down at it from under the table without fully removing it from his pocket, but he was pretty sure that Al had caught him on more than one occasion and was just being kind enough not to point it out.

At this point, who knew what his brother suspected.

 _Just a few more hours,_ he reminded himself, _and then you can tell him everything._

He hoped.

Finally, it was time to leave. He snapped the book shut, dropped it onto the table and jumped up out of his seat.

"Alright, Al, I'm leaving!" he called behind him as he headed towards the door.

"I don't understand why they have you out twice this week. You just got back into town," his little brother grumbled from the corner of the room, large gauntlets around his own textbook.

"I'm just playing catch up from being gone so long," Ed said casually while turning back to face the suit of armor., He was trying to play it off as no big deal, but he didn't believe he was doing a good job of selling it though because if his brother had the eyebrows to give him a suspicious look, he knew he'd be receiving one now.

"And it doesn't bother you that they have you running around the countryside and then expect you to stay up all night?" his brother asked, skeptical.

Ed flinched as he realized just what was missing from his act. Any other time, if the military dared to give him more work, he complained. And here he was, just taking it like it was nothing. In trying to act like everything was normal, he had forgotten to act like his normal self.

He was being careless tonight. His imminent talk with Mustang was distracting him enough that he was going to screw this whole thing up.

He opened his mouth to try and spout off some excuse, but Alphonse held up a hand.

"You don't have to tell me what's going on, but stop lying to me, Brother."

Ed clenched his fists and bowed his head. "I'm sorry, Al."

He heard the scrapes of metal on metal that usually indicated Alphonse shaking his head. "You know I worry about you when you hide things from me. It usually means that you're taking on too much."

A silence stretched, and Ed hated that this kept happening. If he weren't keeping secrets, then he wouldn't be left not knowing what to say.

Finally, he turned back to the hall and stepped out.

"I'll see you when you get back?" his brother called out behind him.

"Yeah," Ed replied softly. _And then we'll talk._

Because regardless of how things went tonight, he was telling Alphonse. He couldn't keep it from his brother any longer.

With determined steps, he took off towards Mustang's apartment, knowing that after tonight, things wouldn't be the same. The walk went by shortly, Ed on autopilot. Head full of what he wanted to say, he barely noticed where he was going. Before he realized it, he was before the Colonel's house, hand raised to knock.

He paused then, hand an inch away from painted wood, and took a minute to collect himself. He wasn't here for a typical date night. Tonight, he was going to discuss the future with his partner, something that they had been putting off for quite some time. Mustang was going to disclose his plan, or whatever conclusion he'd reached in the last three days, and then Ed would determine whether or not it was acceptable.

It was going to be an important discussion, something that mature people did in relationships. There was nothing to be worried about. They'd reach some type of understanding by the end of it. That's what happened in relationships.

Right?

So why was he filled with this sense of dread?

After taking a deep breath to try and settle his nerves, Ed let his hand hit the door. The seemingly long stretch while he waited to be allowed entry was filled with his heart pounding in his ears, and Ed felt himself sway a bit under the weight of it all.

Then the door opened, Mustang was in front of him, and he felt steadier. All of the nerves, the fears he'd been harboring since the other day stayed, but with the other in his view, he was grounded. Mustang had always been a source of strength for him, even when he was younger and tried to refuse it. It was impossible not to feel more able in the man's presence.

"Come in," his CO ordered, stepping back and allowing Ed room to cross the threshold. "I have food set out."

It was far too late for dinner, but the Colonel often liked to act as if they were on a real date and often provided some type of refreshment. That, and as the man had once teased, the fastest way to Ed's heart was through his stomach. Ed had punched him a little harder in the arm than he probably should have in retaliation for the remark, but he never complained about the treatment. Who was he to turn down free food?

He placed his red coat on the rack and then followed the taller male into the dining room. The table was set up in a much nicer manner than Ed would have bothered with; a white table cloth lay under two plates of cake and wine glasses (Ed's was usually filled with grape juice seeing as he was too young for alcohol). A candle glowed in the middle to provide a more romantic atmosphere, though the room's lights had been left on because the last time Mustang had tried to give them a "candlelight dinner", Ed had pointed out quite sternly that he was not a girl and was not into such sappy nonsense.

"I hope it's to your liking," his partner said as the older man made his way over to his seat. "I saw it on the menu at a place down town two weeks ago. I thought it seemed like something you might like."

A place downtown meant somewhere he went when on a date. The usual twinge of jealousy towards the one who had had his partner's attention slid through him, but it was rather mild in comparison to its usual ire. There was too much to worry about tonight and he was so tired…

He flopped unceremoniously into his seat and gave the dessert a once over. It looked inviting enough, white cake with strawberries, but Ed's stomach was churning with nerves, so it was hard to interest it in trying to consume anything, especially food that was discovered under less than desirable terms. However, he was being watched, and he didn't want to come off as anywhere near as worried as he felt, so he picked up his fork with his flesh hand and shoveled a bite into his mouth. The sweet and fruity cake felt like a rock as it hit his stomach.

Mustang was seated across from him at this point, tasting his own piece, and Ed watched the calm, seemingly carefree way the other was holding himself. He knew it should reassure him. If Mustang was calm with the whole situation, then surely things were fine, but he'd never really seen the Colonel worried, and wasn't sure he could trust the other to be so in front of him.

 _Besides,_ a voice in the back of his mind whispered, _if he doesn't have a solution, things don't change for him. You're the only one who has anything riding on this._

But surely the Colonel understood that Ed needed this, that he couldn't continue with things as they were. Surely he would have put some sort of effort forth to help make things right for him.

"Ed?"

He jerked at his name, his insides feeling a bit floaty at how it sounded from the other's voice.

"You with me?"

Edward flushed at being caught spacing out. "Of course I am," he shot back, a little overly defensive, a default of his for covering embarrassment. "Where else would I be?"

There was a smirk following his reply, not quite the kind delivered in the office to accompany a short joke, and Mustang responded with, "Usually, you'd have that whole piece gone and be asking for seconds by now. I'd ask if you didn't like it, but even then, you'd have polished it off. You eating a bite and then staring at it has me wondering if I should be worried."

The smirk was still in place, but his eyebrows were raised in a question.

Ed briefly contemplated giving some lame excuse and forcing himself to eat to play it off, but he realized that he was sick of this game of pretending everything was alright, because it wasn't. He was sick of lying to his brother, sick of worrying his brother because of his moping, and sick of having to deny himself the company of his partner to keep up the lies. It was just all too much and he couldn't do it anymore.

And a part of him was squirming uncertainly with the knowledge that his partner could. Didn't he want to get this out there? Didn't he want to stop worrying about tiptoeing around those they cared about, to stop having to stay away from each other because they were hiding it like some dirty secret? Didn't he want to spend more time with Ed?

"What did you figure out?" He brought it out into the open. They were solving this tonight.

No matter what.

Mustang watched him for a long moment and then let out a sigh. His placed his fork down gingerly next to his half-eaten cake and murmured, "There's no sidetracking you, is there?"

Ed stared back at him with determined eyes and the man just shook his head and sighed again.

"Ed, you know that there isn't any way we can feasible tell people. It's just too risky."

All the hope he'd held onto for this working out shriveled and he found himself momentarily at a loss. He'd feared that it'd go this way, but he'd expected more of an effort than this. He expected the other to at least try. The man across from him looked mildly sorry, maybe even a bit frustrated, but there wasn't even a sense of either being able to understand nor feel the overwhelming sense of loss Edward was feeling at the news.

He **needed** to tell Al. There was no hiding this anymore. So why couldn't Mustang understand that?

"Yes we can," he argued, trying to keep his voice steady, his volume under control. Anger was starting to overcome his hurt, and Ed was never good at controlling his anger. If he got angry, he'd lose this fight. He needed to keep his head and argue his opinion civilly.

 _Maybe, if I do this right…_

"We can tell people. We just have to be careful about how we do it. We need to find a safe place and make sure they understand just how important it is that they keep it a secret. They'll understand. That's why we trust them." His pleaded with his eyes, begging the other to give his words some thought, but the same controlled expression was staring across from him, and Ed wondered if it was all going on deaf ears.

After another long pause, the Colonel asked, "Do you understand how bad it'll be if people find out about us? Because your insistence on this subject makes me wonder if you really do."

Ed was on his feet before his mind had really had the chance to take in what he'd just heard. "I understand perfectly just what we'd be risking if the wrong people find out," he hissed, angered at being lectured like a child. "I just trust people enough to believe that we can tell them this."

The silence that stretched after his outburst was long, and Ed mentally cursed himself for losing his head. He wasn't going to win this fight by getting pissed. He needed to make the Colonel see things from his perspective. He needed to convince the man that he was right.

 _But will he see things from my perspective if he thinks that I'm just a child?_

Ed clenched his jaw.

 _It doesn't matter. I'll show him that I'm not._

Finally, Mustang seemed to deflate, his shoulders slumping, and for the first time, Ed saw a weariness that he hadn't known the other man to hold. He wondered just what else about this man he didn't know.

"Why are you fighting this so hard?" his partner asked, sounding as tired as Ed felt. "Things are working as they are. Why do you want to risk that?"

"Because they aren't working," Ed replied, all the anger from before drifting out of him. "All this hiding, this sneaking around, is keeping us from really being together. When I'm away on my missions, I miss you, and when I'm here, back in the city, I still miss you because I can't go see you. I have to keep away because otherwise Al will ask questions.

"And he is asking questions. I told you last week that he was suspicious. He thinks something is up and I can't tell him anything but lies because we're keeping this a secret. A secret, Colonel, from my own brother. The person who probably cares about me more than anyone else in the world. Someone I can trust with anything. I'm lying to **him** because of this."

He paused here because Mustang had opened his mouth, but when nothing came of it, he continued on, starting to pace now.

"I can't keep lying to him. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. Al expects me to be truthful with him and in return, tells me everything. If I hide something from him, something this big, something not silly like aches and pains so he doesn't worry, he'll never forgive me when he finds out. And he **will** find out. It's only a matter of time before he pieces everything together."

He stopped pacing and faced the other, meeting his eyes.

"Please Colonel," he begged. "Please. He's my little brother. He means the world to me. Why can't I tell him?"

"Ed." The voice was soft and a bit sad, but the eyes were unyielding. "You know why."

The small alchemist narrowed his eyes stubbornly, anger coursing through him.

"No, I don't. I know why we're sneaking around, why you can't take me out on dates. I understand why we can't let the public know. But Al won't tell anyone. He hasn't slipped once about the human transmutation. This isn't any different from that."

Another sigh. The man was leaning back in his chair, looking exhausted. "Yes, but the more people who know, the more likely it is that it will get out. Someone will slip or be overheard talking about it, or—"

"That could happen with just us too," Ed insisted, cutting him off. "We talk about it. We set up nights together. Half of the time, it's in your office. All we need is just for someone to bug you and we're busted."

"I regularly sweep my office for bugs," Roy muttered, his eyes narrowing, most likely at the insult to his competence.

"That doesn't mean we're not infallible," Ed pushed, ignoring the other's wounded pride. "And Al's really good at keeping quiet when he needs to. He's the most trustworthy person I know."

His mind went back to its stewing from earlier and he furrowed his brows at the other alchemist. "Don't you want to tell anyone? Lieutenant Hawkeye? Lieutenant Colonel Hues? The team? Don't you want them to know about the important things in your life?"

This was met with a blank stare. "Normally, we try to keep our personal life out of the office," Mustang stated blandly and then grimaced. "Well, other than maybe Havoc."

Ed frowned, not sure he was liking what he was hearing.

"So you don't want them to know?"

The calm was back, though the man's posture was still weary. "My team is a horrible gossip. Telling them runs the risk of it spreading out of the office."

"They keep your secrets," Ed pointed out, surprised to hear such a lack of faith from his CO towards their comrades. "And they've never compromised a mission by speaking carelessly."

A shake of the head. "I can't put this on them."

Ed was confused. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"This is a personal choice, not something important like our country's future. I have a vision, Ed, and it creates a lot of pressure and danger for them. It's unfair of me to drag them into something else just because of a decision I made on the side."

"On the side?!"

His insides froze at the words. His fear that maybe the Colonel didn't view this in the same light that he did came to the forefront of his mind. What could the man possibly mean by "On the side?"

"On the side," as in "a little something extra?", or "on the side" as in "unimportant?"

Either way, Ed wasn't sure he could handle the answer.

Mustang, for his part, just winced slightly at the decibel change. "Ed, I didn't mean it that way," he tried to assure the boy. "I don't view this an unimportant."

"But I'm something you do "on the side"? Something you do in your spare time? Like reading a book?"

"Ed, you know I don't think of it like that."

"Do I? Do I really know that? Because you aren't making me feel like I'm anything more than just something "on the side". You hide me from everyone, even those who you trust. And you still go on dates with women—"

"For appearances, Edward," the older man insisted, straightening up and standing. He walked over to the younger and held a hand out to cup Edward's cheek. The boy pulled away.

"Even when we're in the same city, you barely make time for me. How can I see this as anything but "on the side?"" Anger was starting to overtake his fear, anger at having to lie to Alphonse, at having to bottle up something so important to him, and anger at being seemingly last on the Colonel's list of priorities.

"Edward, please," the man requested, looking and sounding quite frustrated. "We have to keep up appearances. We can't let people know that there's anything different going on. And you know I've never taken any of those women home."

"Of course I know that." Despite all the unknowns, somehow, Ed knew this one thing to be true. The Colonel may have been a self-involved slacker, but he was an honest man. "But it doesn't matter if you take them home or not because they get to have your time. And you get to openly admit that you're with them. You don't have to hide them away like they don't matter!"

The room was quiet for a long moment while Ed collected his breath. Mustang was giving him a look Edward didn't know how to interpret. The Colonel was always good with hiding his emotions. He had been dropping that act around Edward, or at least he thought the man was, but right now, the mask of calm was up in full force. Still, maybe because of all the time they spent together this past year, Ed was able to discern that the Colonel wasn't as okay as he appeared. His eyes were saying something to him. The young alchemist couldn't quite grasp what, but he had a feeling that they were conveying a sense of pain from Ed's words.

 _I'm in pain too._

The petite blond stepped back towards his partner and took his hand in his own.

"Look," he started, voice soft, "I don't need you to shout it to the world or anything. I just need for those that we care about to know. I hate lying to my brother, and I hate hiding this. Please. That's all I'm asking."

The mask didn't move. "We discussed this when this started. You agreed that this was best."

Ed nodded. "I always figured that we'd figure something out if it continued."

There was a long pause where Mustang stared at their connected hands and Ed held hope that maybe his words had gotten through, that maybe this would all work out. And then the man whispered, "I can't."

Numbness swept over him, accompanied by a wave of exhaustion so steep he was vaguely surprised that he didn't sway on his feet. Somehow, he made himself drop the other's hand and take a step back.

This was it. This was where he had somehow known that this was going to go. This was when it had to stand his ground and make a choice.

And there really wasn't a choice. As he had realized earlier before coming, this was when his path was going to change. For better or for worse.

Mustang raised his head back up and Ed met his eyes and stated numbly, "Then I can't."

He stiffly walked out of the room and to the coat rack. His fingered were shaky as he drew his coat down and slipped it on. Then he made to leave. His hand was on the knob before he paused and turned to look over his shoulder.

"If you ever realize that you "can"…" He left his words hanging there, knowing that the other would get it. Without any more hesitation, he walked out, letting door fall shut behind him.

* * *

Well, that took a lot longer than I expected. I could apologize for the long wait, but you've heard it all before and it's not like it's that important anyway. What I will say is that I now know what I'm doing with this, so the rest of the story should be updated faster.

I'd like to thank everything for their feedback last chapter. I really wasn't expecting anything, so getting as much as I did really surprised me. It's part of the reason this chapter took so long. I felt like I actually had to write something worth the feedback I had received, as opposed to the four hours I put into chapter one (whoops). I hope you find this chapter worth it.

As always, I think you for reading this chapter. Have a wonderful week!


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